A Couple of Open Letters Real Quick

Guest blogger DB on ol’ Ms. Cali. I guess this topic never gets old…

Those of you with jobs that offer nothing more interesting than reading pop culture blogs day in and day out (HOLLA!), or those of you who watch the Miss America contest (kill yourself) have probably caught wind of the puffed-up Perez Hilton vs. Ms. California vaguely-possibly-in-some-way-distantly-related-to-gay-marriage-but-not-really “scandal.” Only it’s less of a scandal and more of a piece of media detritus that got stuck in the trash compactor. Not to quibble over labels.

Anyway if you missed it, all that happened was Perez Hilton, who was apparently a judge for the Ms. America contest, asked Ms. California whether or not she believed that gays should have the right to marry, and Ms. America said “no.” BestWeekEver has the story and video here. Seems like a simple enough exchange, right?

Readers, if I pass one piece of advice along to you, let it be this: Never underestimate the wiles of media whores. In retrospect it seems inevitable that this would end with Ms. California praying for Perez’s gay soul and Ms. Perez taking the opportunity to use boring profanity on television. (BestWeekEver also has that story here. Stay tuned for the part where the anchor, with a look of consternation, says “he went on to call you the C word. What’s your response to that?”)

So without getting into my views on marriage, let me just take a moment to address these two soldiers meeting on the modern battlefield of publicity morality.

Dear Perez,

Here’s the thing about questions that start with “Do you…?”: they’re called “yes or no” questions. When you ask one of these magical questions, the answer will either be a “yes”…or it will be a “no.” And presumably the reason why you asked the question in the first place is because you didn’t know the answer. So, given that there are two possible outcomes to the question, and assuming that the question was posed in the interest of learning a previously unknown answer – are you following, Perez? – then the asking of a “yes or no” question can be compared to flipping a coin. All other variables being unknown, you have exactly a 50-50 chance of getting either a “yes” or a “no”.

So I’m going to have to ask you to stop using this as an excuse to swear on television. A couple of points: one, you are not righteous. You are a film of pond scum that just digested a turdlet of gay marriage debate in order to expand your parasitic colony by another centimeter.

Two, and I hate to tell you this, Perez, but even calling a beauty queen the dreaded C-word on TV doesn’t make you interesting. The whole sarcastic fat wannabe-twink image is so over. In fact, it’s been over ever since Mean Girls.
I <3 Damien!
And swearing doesn’t make you cool. Not because we’re not in middle school anymore, but because you’re not even good at it. Calling a beauty queen a c***? Bitch, please! I defy you to pick something more obvious and less interesting to say. Oh, wait, you can’t. My “B”. Michael K from dlisted you are not. (Now there’s a fag who knows how to cuss!)

In conclusion, stop raping my brain with your inanities,


Don Bito


Dear Ms. California,

You look a little confused, and I don’t think it’s the diet pills (this time). How, you wonder, could Perez Hilton be so angry that lil’ old you just needed to tell the world the honest truth that was burning in your pure heart?

Maybe it’s because you feel entitled to dictate how other people should live their lives. In the future please remember to shut your fat mouth, c***.


Don Bito


4 responses to “A Couple of Open Letters Real Quick

  1. First off Perez Hilton is a douche, why does anyone listen or read his crap is beyond me. Second, ,I do’nt think people are against the fact she spoke her mind, I think they are still researching wikipedia and old manuscripts on what exactly an “opposite” marriage is?

  2. haha. seriously. it was pretty funny when she said opposite marriage.

  3. Permanently in my vocab.

  4. Pingback: “Many girls use chicken cutlets” « My Philadelphia Story

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