/This post has been commandeered by guest blogger Don Bito/
Katy Perry: Cheap Zooey Deschanel knock-off? Definitely. Responsible for some of the most inane music and backwards lyrics in recent pop history? For sure. A sign of the coming apocalypse? Quite possibly.
But today, readers, Katy Perry is the catalyst of a blogging decision I may soon come to regret.
Check in every Friday for guest blogger DonBito’s thrashing of your favorite pop songs. And don’t forget to email your suggestions for next week’s blog to firstname.lastname@example.org.
This week: “Poker Face” by Lady Gaga.
How can you trash Poker Face, whose throwback synth beat and thinly-veiled sexual metaphors have taken America by storm?
I’ll tell you, readers: You effing can’t. That’s because Poker Face takes everything great about modern pop music and rolls it up into a big questionable-bodily-fluid-and-candy-coated pill and shoves it down your eager throat. And when it’s over you can’t shake the feeling that your ears have been molested…and you liked it.
It makes you want to dance. It makes you want to have bathroom sex with a stranger. It makes you want to roll the windows down and do car karaoke. It makes you want to take a scalding hot shower and compulsively scrub every inch of your body with lye soap but you keep getting distracted and touching yourself.